Tango of the Norse
by generalzoi
Summary: At his first dance after becoming a hero, Hiccup finds himself in an awkward situation. Also, Astrid's parents and drunk!Ruffnut. Updated to add the aftermath of the whole mess. Now with added conclusion!
1. Chapter 1

A few months after defeating the Green Death, Hiccup attended his first dance since becoming a hero. Oh sure, it wasn't the first one he had ever been to, but it was the first one where he felt like a guest instead of an intruder, shunted off the the side and ignored. It was also the first one he wasn't attending alone, and Astrid was by his side proving it. And all of these things, which should have made this event infinitely better than any of the previous ones, instead left Hiccup feeling so nervous he thought he might throw up.

There had been a feast after the battle and Hiccup's eventual recovery, of course (he suspected there had been one before his recovery as well - Vikings didn't let much get in the way of their celebrating). And Hiccup, being the hero of the moment, had been even more swarmed there than he usually was on the street. It had been...overwhelming. It would have been almost funny if it wasn't so frustrating. After years of wanting nothing more than the approval and attention (positive attention, anyway) of the villagers, Hiccup didn't know what to do with it now that he had it. It occurred to him that after all those years of solitude by default, he didn't really know how to deal with people all that well.

But that's where Astrid had stepped in. She had been by his side almost constantly since he woke up, except for when he needed one-on-one bonding with Toothless or was having man talks with his dad (which they actually did now, and it was still a little weird, but good too). She was good at intercepting people, deflecting them, and, when it got to be too much, spiriting him away to Toothless's private glade where he could fish or play or fly and not have to think about anything.

Tonight, however, Hiccup had resolved that Astrid was accompanying him as his girlfriend, not his protector. He was getting better at dealing with the attention, which was waning anyway. So tonight, they were just a young couple, out to have a good time at a dance. Not a feast, a dance. Where people were expected to dance. Well. Dance well.

Why had he thought he could do this?

Hiccup could not dance. Not a bit. Oh, he had tried a few times. Like with every aspect of Viking life, he approached it with a gusto his skill level didn't really deserve. Many people could - and did - say that he wasn't much of a Viking, but no one could say it was for lack of trying. But somehow being laughed at by girls your own age was much worse than being chewed out by adults much older than you, and he had given up on the dancing. At least that was one thing the metal contraption on his leg was good for. He now had an excellent excuse not to embarrass himself. Earlier in the day he had had a vision of himself on the floor of the Great Hall, trying and utterly failing to _not _look like a total idiot. Astrid had taken one look at him, declared, "You are unworthy of mating!" and then she and the other girls had grabbed him and carried him to the top of Helheim's Gate and thrown him into the volcano as a sacrifice to the Gods of Dance.

Okay, maybe he had been letting his imagination run away with him.

He felt a soft touch on the back of his hand and looked up at Astrid. "All right in there?" she asked, smiling a bit. She as looking at him with affection, not derision, and it was still new and...wonderful. He was smiling back before he knew it.

"I'm fine," he said, taking her hand properly. "Let's go."

It really wasn't so bad. All Viking celebrations had food and mead present to some extent, and early in the evening everyone was busy feeding and talking. The tables would be moved out of the way as the night wore on to make room for a dance floor, but for now everyone was just visiting.

Hiccup and Astrid were popular as ever. They couldn't go more than a few feet without someone stopping them, either to just say hello and wander off, or to have an extended conversation about dragons or farming or the weather. Everyone was friendly and jovial and, in some cases, more than a little drunk. Hiccup was actually enjoying himself.

They eventually ran into Astrid's parents, who, in contrast to Astrid's lithe figure, were as big and solid as any of the other Vikings. More so, in Mrs. Hofferson's case. They were always friendly enough, but Hiccup was still a little awkward around them. Astrid didn't seem to have the same problem with his father, but then Stoick loved her. Mr. Hofferson tried to talk to Hiccup about some warrior thing that he hadn't understood back when he was just the town screw-up and still didn't understand now that he was the town dragon trainer. Luckily, all Hiccup really had to do was nod in certain places and say, "Yes, sir," and, "No, sir," while Astrid discussed something with her mother off to the side.

After a few minutes of that Mr. Hofferson was apparently satisfied, because he turned to his daughter and said, "So, how's it coming with that Nadder?" Meanwhile Mrs. Hofferson sidled up to Hiccup and started prattling on about something or other he couldn't quite hear over the din of the hall. Hiccup noticed some of the noise was coming from a group of men dragging the tables from the center of the room to make space for the dancers. He realized suddenly that he and Astrid would make their way over there eventually, and tried not to panic. Then he remembered his girlfriend's mother was taking to him and maybe he should listen.

"Don't you worry, she'll fill out," Mrs. Hofferson was saying. "She's just a skinny little thing now, but I was like that at her age, believe it or not. Those hips'll come in before too much longer. Among other things," she said with a wink, cupping her own more-than generous bosom.

Oh sweet Thor, why had he started listening? He managed a strangled, "Urk," before strong hands jammed themselves in his back, forcing him away.

"_Thank you_, Mother. We're _going now_," Astrid hissed, shoving Hiccup through the crowd.

"All right dears, have fun," Mrs. Hofferson called after then cheerfully -- or perhaps willfully -- ignorant of her daughter's embarrassment. Astrid's face was red from the tips of her ears to her collarbone, and she was resolutely looking everywhere but Hiccup's eyes. He had to bite his tongue for a good thirty seconds before he could be sure he wasn't going to burst out laughing. Astrid didn't look like she would appreciate it.

She navigated them to the opposite end of the hall, as far away from her parents as they could get, where they found a more-than-tipsy Gobber. He immediately launched into a rambling story about dwarfs and elves and sock-stealing trolls that Astrid seemed to listen to attentively just for the sake of the distraction. She still wasn't looking at Hiccup, and he took the opportunity to study her.

What would Astrid be like when she grew up? Despite Mrs. Hofferson's assertions, Hiccup really couldn't see her with her mother's curves. Not yet, anyway. But she did still have some growing up and maturing to do, they all did, and Hiccup found himself wondering what Astrid would be like as a fully-realized and mature woman (_please, oh please let her let him stick around long enough to find out_).

Astrid finally looked over at him then, and seemed a little taken aback by whatever she saw in his eyes. He probably would have been too, if he could see it, because he couldn't even describe it. Whatever she saw made her smile, her earlier embarrassment forgotten, and take his hand. "Come on," she said, and started leading him away. "Good-bye, Gobber."

"Watch out for the _elves_!" he called after them.

Astrid led them to the edge of the dance floor. She turned to Hiccup with one eyebrow raised in a bit of a challenge, and nudged his prosthetic leg with her boot. "Feel like giving it a go?"

His mouth went dry. Astrid, he knew from stolen glances back when she would never have been seen with him, was a good dancer. More than that, she seemed to enjoy it. And he wanted to give her that, but...

"I, I really don't think, not tonight. Maybe next time," he said quickly, "but I don't think I'm quite good enough with it, yet, so...yeah."

She seemed to take it in stride. Instead, she led them to a bench near the side with a good view of the floor. On the way Hiccup grabbed two cups of mead, and they sat and watched the others.

After a couple of minutes of chatting and watching the dancers, Hiccup realized that the look on Astrid's face was wistful, and set his mead down on the bench next to him. "Look, you don't have to sit here with me."

She looked at him and said, much too quickly, "Oh no, it's all right. I don't mind."

"No, really. You're not the one with the metal leg. I was just going to sit here and people watch anyway. You go on."

She glanced at the floor, then glanced back at him and smiled. "All right," she said, and stood up.

Hiccup forced himself to smile back, feeling slightly put out that she had agreed so quickly even though it had been his suggestion. But then she kissed him and that made it a little better.

And so they passed the time. Astrid, he was pleased to note, danced mostly with Ruffnut or as part of a group. Snotlout cut in a few times, but that was okay because Hiccup was almost entirely sure he wasn't really after Astrid anymore. Almost. And Hiccup continued getting a more or less steady stream of visitors, so he really didn't have any reason at all to watch Astrid like a hawk and make sure no one was getting a little too friendly. In fact, he had a few romantically inclined visitors of his own, giggling girls that laughed at everything even if it wasn't funny and sat much too close. Those encounters never lasted longer than a few seconds though, before Astrid appeared as if out of thin air and glared until the girls slunk off in defeat.

Even when he wasn't surrounded by her potential rivals, Astrid made it a point to come over and check on him regularly. Once she grabbed his hand, leaned down, and asked, "Are you sure you won't come out?"

He almost said 'yes' just at the look on her face, but discomfort and a healthy does of fear kept him in his seat. Next time. He really was getting better, but these things couldn't be rushed. So he just smiled at her and shook his head. She kissed his cheek and headed back out.

The other members of their little group of friends came over to talk with him too. Or, well, Fishlegs and Snotlout came by to talk. Tuffnut popped up at some point, threw an arm around his shoulder, mumbled a bunch of drunken words that didn't make any sense in his ear, and took off again, spilling a fair bit of mead down the front of Hiccup's shirt in the process. And Ruffnut used him as backrest while she was chatting up some boy behind him, but at least they knew he was there.

As the night wound down, however, Hiccup found himself bored and a little frustrated. By this point everyone was too drunk or too tired to be interested in conversation, even with the town hero. And except for Astrid, who had graciously made sure to stay in his line of sight all night long, he hadn't seen any of his friends since a shirtless Tuffnut had somehow managed to climb and subsequently fall off the center chandelier. So Hiccup spent his time glaring at the latest boy to dance too close to Astrid and hoping they could leave soon.

Something fell on his left shoulder. He looked over and saw a very inebriated Ruffnut blinking hazily at him. "Hey, stubby," she slurred, and then laughed uproariously at what she probably thought was a joke. She wrapped her arm around Hiccup's neck and smooshed their cheeks together so that they were both looking out at the dance floor. "What're you up to, all by yerself?"

"Oh, nothing much. Just the usual," he said, trying subtly and unsuccessfully to separate his face from Ruffnut's.

Ruffnut's head bobbed erratically, which he blamed on the mead until she finally focused on Astrid and her tall, dark, and muscled suitor. "Oh," she said, drawing the word out several beats longer than normal. "Thas' the problem, huh?"

"Yes, thank you for noticing. Could you maybe let go of my face?"

Ruffnut, to his surprise, did let go, and moved so she was standing in front of him. "Ah, quit yer pouting. Astrid's lucky to have you, and she _knows_ it!"

"Thanks, really," he said, more than a little unnerved. Even now the twins were rarely nice so much as not actively violent. "But, ah, I'm pretty sure I'm the lucky -"

And then Ruffnut sat in his lap. Whatever Hiccup had been about to say died in his throat, and for the second time that night the only thing he could choke out was a strangled, "Urk."

Ruffnut, whether by drunkenness or design, didn't seem to notice his discomfort. She was straddling his lap, hands resting on his upper thighs, and leaned in so close he could feel the heat from her skin. "I mean, you're quite a catch these days, you know," she said, her eyes half-lidded and her already raspy voice dropping even lower. "There are lots of girls in town who would love to _have_ you."

There was nothing in the world more important, Hiccup knew, than getting Ruffnut off his lap this very instant. But at some point during this exchange his hands had shot into the air, as far away from Ruffnut's body as they could get, and he was terrified to lower them. He had the feeling that any touch he made now, even if it was intended to be a shove, would be misconstrued as an invitation, and a drunken Ruffnut would probably take rejection even worse than a sober one. So he really had to think of something, _now_, and -- oh gods, oh gods, she was _moving_, pressing her body slowly and rhythmically against his. He was going to die, he was really going to die right here, right now, either through his brain exploding or some kind of divine intervention or maybe Astrid would show up...

Just then Ruffnut's head jerked backwards. She cried out, and Hiccup saw Astrid standing behind her with one hand wrapped firmly around a long blond braid, staring at Hiccup. Astrid jerked her hand to the side without even a glance at the other girl, using the momentum to fling Ruffnut off Hiccup and into the crowd. Ruffnut ended up bouncing off the considerable belly of Fishlegs, who grabbed her right before she tumbled to the floor. She jerked her head up, eyes hard, and for a second Hiccup was sure she was about to go for Astrid's throat. But then her gaze became unfocused, and her expression confused, until she tipped her head back to look at Fishlegs. "Well hi thar, hanshome!" she slurred happily, and Hiccup let out a sigh of relief.

Until he looked back at Astrid. Her face was flushed, and she was still staring at him with an almost frightening intensity. "S-sorry," he stammered. "We were just -- I mean, she's -"

"She's Ruffnut. I know," Astrid said, and her gaze shifted to something that looked almost amused. Hiccup let out a deep breath.

"Gods," he said with a chuckle, running his hand through his hair. "This night has been...well, it's just been, you know?"

"Mmm," Astrid said in agreement, taking a slightly unsteady step toward him. She had probably had a little too much mead.

"So, are you ready to...um, ready...to..." Hiccup trailed off, because Astrid was, slowly but deliberately, still moving towards him. Her arms came up to wind around his neck, and then, for only the second time of the night and in his life, Hiccup found his lap full of teenage girl.

"Astrid, um, w-what're you --"

"My spot," she whispered, and giggled. From here he could smell her breath. Oh Hel.

"Astrid, how much mead have you had?" he asked. He had just barely managed to keep his arms from shooting into the air again -- drunk or no, it probably wasn't a good idea to give his girlfriend the impression he didn't want to touch her -- and instead settled them very tentatively on her waist.

"Enough," she said, leaning in close enough that the soft skin of her cheek just barely skimmed his. He thought he would die at the touch. She giggled again. Oh _Hel_.

"Astrid, you're drunk." He had meant it to come out authoritatively, but it just sounded nervous. Oh well. At least it fit. "I think we should go home now." Her home, his home, the training arena, the glade, Helheim's Gate, anywhere that involved Astrid getting up off his lap, because with her arms around his neck like that she was free to press her entire body against his, from shoulders to hips, each point of contact burning him like fire, and she really needed to get up _right now_ because there was a little something going on down there _that he was pretty sure she would notice!_

"Mmhm," she said in agreement, and he tried to convince himself he was relieved and not at all just a tiny bit disappointed.

"Okay, so..." His hands were hovering just over her hips, unsure of what to do because she certainly wasn't making any move to get up. "Can you, maybe, stand up for me...?"

"Come on, let's go dance," she whispered in his ear, and he couldn't suppressed the shudder that went through him.

"I thought we were going home," he said, his voice trembling and cracking.

"Mmhm," she said again, smiling at him. But she still made no move to stand.

"Astrid, you know I can't dance," he tried. "My leg..."

This time she leaned in so close her lips brushed his ear. "I wasn't planning on being vertical," she breathed, and all the blood in his body promptly rushed to a single location. Oh dear sweet Fjrgyn mother of almighty Thor. She was, she was _suggesting _-- no, no, that couldn't be right. But it was kind of impossible to misinterpret her intentions when she was pressed so close against him. They had been moving in that direction anyway, and he had hoped -- had assumed even -- that if everything worked out and they stayed together and kept moving forward they would get to this point eventually. And she had suggested it, she had come to him -- but she was drunk, and that wasn't right, was it? It would be wrong, and he should wait until she was sober, shouldn't he? Despite the heat flooding his body, despite the feel of her skin against his, he should wait. Astrid head was on his shoulder, her nose buried in his neck, and he suddenly wondered if he could turn her down, even if he wanted to.

"Astrid?" he said, but his voice broke in the middle of the word. So he cleared his throat and tried again. "Astrid?"

She snored lightly in his ear. Great Odin's ghost. Asleep. She was asleep. His entire body (well, most of it) sagged in relief. Yeah, way too much mead and dancing for Astrid. She might not even remember this tomorrow. Well, he certainly wasn't going to bring it up.

It took him almost twenty minutes to flag down someone who was still sober enough to realize he wasn't just waving in greeting. In the end, Olaf the tanner carefully took the still unconscious Astrid from his arms and waited as Hiccup tried to stomp some feeling back into his legs. Once having Astrid in his lap had stopped being such a distraction (or, well, became less of one) he had realized exactly how heavy she was -- another thing he absolutely was not going to bring up ever again.

Once Hiccup could hobble more or less successfully next to Olaf, they set out for the Hoffersons. "I know the way, lad," Olaf said as they left the Great Hall. "You can go on home now and get some rest, if you want."

"No, that's all right. I don't mind," Hiccup said. Olaf looked satisfied at this, and they completed the journey in silence.

Mrs. Hofferson tsked when the opened the door and saw them. "Ah, this one," she said, taking Astrid from Olaf. "Handles mead about as well as her father, I see." Hiccup looked past Mrs. Hofferson to the large lump snoring in the middle of the floor. "I suspect I'll be taking care of both of them come the morning."

Olaf waved goodbye and headed off into the night. "Are you sure you got her?" Hiccup felt compelled to ask, perfectly aware that there wasn't much he could do to help even if her answer was no.

"Oh my, yes. This little birdie barely weighs a thing, she's so thin."

Mrs. Hofferson's comment about Astrid's weight made Hiccup think of their earlier humiliating conversation, which made him think of Astrid's hips and breasts and the way they had been pressed against him, and he had to step very quickly back out of the light being cast from the doorway.

"Well, okay. Good night then. Tell her I'll, I'll see her tomorrow."

"All right, dear. Have a good night, Hiccup." And the door closed behind them.

Hiccup sighed and turned to see Toothless perched on a nearby fence, watching him. How long had he been there? "Hey you," Hiccup called.

Seeing he had Hiccup's attention, Toothless hopped off the fence and came to rub his head against Hiccup's outstretched hand. Hiccup sighed again and stopped to think for a moment before saying, "It was a good night, buddy." He paused, nodded decisively, and said, "Yep, good night." He patted Toothless's head, and the dragon trilled at him.

"Come on, let's go home."


	2. The Morning After

**A/N:** I figured 67% of the reviews asking for it was a good enough reason to write out the morning after. Obviously this really won't make sense without the first chapter, but enjoy.

* * *

.

* * *

Bertha Hofferson busied herself in the kitchen. Her husband and daughter sat bleary-eyed at the table. Rotgut was propping up his head with one hand, his jaw hanging open and a dull expression on his face. Astrid hadn't even managed that -- her chin was the only thing resting on the table, her arms hanging uselessly below.

Bertha ladled two generous helping of her mother's hangover reliever into a couple of bowls. She deposited one in front of Rotgut with a cheery, "Here you are, sweetheart."

He responded with a, "Gnnnnffmm," which she had always taken to mean, 'A thousand thanks, my dearest wife.'

The other bowl went to Astrid, who managed a, "Mmmrrrrrrsssvv." She slid her head over a couple inches and sniffed at the bowl, then made a face. "Is it supposed to smell like that?"

"Yes," said Rotgut, looking slightly more alert as he lifted the bowl for a deep gulp.

Astrid reluctantly pulled herself up and brought the bowl to her lips. She shuddered as the first sip slip down her throat, then glanced at her mother, grimaced, and began to drink.

"So, it seems like you had fun last night, dear," Bertha said, taking a seat near her husband.

"I...yes. It was...fun," Astrid said, her brow furrowed as she tried to force her pounding head to function.

"What did you and Hiccup do?"

"Um, I, I danced."

"With Hiccup?"

"We...no. Hiccup doesn't dance. He just, kinda, watched?" Astrid was almost cross-eyed with concentration, and Bertha and Rotgut shared a secret smile. "And-and I may have gotten into a fight with Ruffnut, I don't really remember."

"Good rule of thumb," Rotgut said, tilting his bowl towards Astrid. "If you passed out, odds are you blacked out, so watch your back the next day, even you if don't remember a quarrel."

"Yeah, well," Astrid said, rubbing her head, "lesson learned. I'm not doing that again." Bertha and Rotgut shared another look, then returned their attention to their daughter.

"But surely you didn't leave Hiccup all alone and spend all your time dancing with other boys," Bertha urged.

"No, of course not," Astrid said quickly. "I mean, I talked to him. I tried to get him to dance with me, but he said he didn't want to do anything but sit there and people watch."

"You had to have done quite a bit more than _talk_."

Astrid looked at her mother, confused. "What?"

Bertha tsked. "I met him at the door when you dropped you off, Astrid. That boy was practically blue. I imagine he got quite a lot of comfort from his hand last night."

"He--what--_Mother!"_

"You really ought not start something you can't finish, dearie."

"I didn't --"

"Well," Bertha began collecting the dirty dishes from the table, "I'm sure you can make it up to him when you go off into the woods and do...whatever it is you two do."

"I told you, we're training dragons!"

"Of course, dear, whatever you say," Bertha said airily, sharing yet another look with her husband.

Astrid hid her face in her hands and groaned.

* * *

Hiccup bounded down the stairs to see his dad sitting at the table with breakfast. "Morning son," Stoick said.

"Morning Dad."

"Did you have a good night?"

"Yeah, I did actually. A really good night."

Stoick chuckled a bit. "I heard you were pretty popular last night."

"Oh, well, you know how it is," Hiccup said, casually waving away the compliment. "You save the village just once and suddenly everyone wants to talk to you."

"Especially the girls, from what I hear."

"The girls, yeah, the girls." Hiccup tried to swing his arms in a cavalier fashion. "I mean, there were a few of them hanging around, but it's like, too late, you know? I'm, I'm a taken man."

"I'm happy for you, son," Stoick said with a smile. "Honestly, I was beginning to worry no woman would have you. But you somehow managed to catch one of the best in the village."

"Thanks, I guess."

"Speaking of Astrid, you came home pretty late last night. Were you, uh, with her?"

Hiccup shrugged with exaggerated nonchalance. "Well, you know, I had to make sure she got home all right. Couldn't have her walking in the dark by herself."

"Of course. And that's all you did?" Stoick asked with an arched eyebrow.

"Dad, come on, a gentleman never kisses and tells."

"True, true." Stoick looked back down at his eggs. Then he said, with deliberate casualness, "By the way, I went by the tanner's this morning to get some furs."

Hiccup's shoulders slumped. "Did you now?"

"Apparently Olaf left the party around the same time you did. Did you happen to see him?"

"Okay, fine, yes," Hiccup said as Stoick laughed, "Astrid passed out and he helped me get her home. Happy now?"

"Ah, Hiccup, don't worry," Stoick said, still chuckling. "You'll get more chances."

"Like I said, I'm a gentleman, and a gentleman doesn't take advantage of a lady when she's drunk."

"That and she fell asleep on you."

"Irrelevant!" Hiccup cried, thrusting his fingers into the air for emphasis as Stoick started laughing again. "I would have been just as gentlemanly if she had remained conscious."

"Of course you would." Stoick shook his head and took a drink from his goblet. "Are you going to go see her today?"

"Yeah, I was planning on it. But uh, not right now so much. I was thinking more late afternoon, early evening time, once she's had a chance to sleep it off."

"Wise man," Stoick said, tipping his goblet in Hiccup's direction.

* * *

"Ruffnut. Hey, Ruff, wake up."

"...mmmmmnuhuh..."

"Ruff! Would you wake up?"

"...zzzz...whatisitHOOOOOLY CRAP!"

"Don't fall out, doofus!"

"Oh gods, oh gods, oh...Tuff, why are we in a tree?"

"Hel if I know."

"Where's your shirt?"

"Dunno. Where's your pants?"

"Huh...oh. I don't know. Wow..."

"I know."

"Last night must have been awesome!"

"I know, right!"

"Oh man, this is epic. We have to be sixty feet up!"

"At least! Hey, can you remember anything?"

"Not much, you?"

"Hardly anything."

"Awesome."

"Totally."

"Hey, do you remember climbing the chandelier?"

"No, I did that?"

"Yeah, and you totally fell off and busted your ass too."

"That must be why my leg's all messed up."

"Oh, that's nasty."

"I know. Oh, hey hey, I remember something. Something you did, I mean."

"What'd I do?"

"You were totally humping Hiccup."

"No way."

"Oh yeah. You were all over him."

"Ah man, that's great! I bet Astrid was _pissed_."

"Yeah, she totally threw you across the room. You guys didn't get into it though."

"Eh, maybe next time."

"How do you think we should get down from here?"

"I have no idea. I don't even know how we got up."

"Dude. Best night ever."

"Seriously."

"You wanna do it again tonight?"

"You know it bro!"

"Awesome!"

* * *

.

* * *

And now, a little something extra. A few hours later:

Snotlout was hanging out outside the market with a few other guys when one of them said, "Look out guys, here comes the nerd."

Snotlout glanced to the right and had to suppress a groan when he saw Fishlegs in the distance walking towards them. Snotlout had been spending more time with him and the others lately on account of the dragon thing, but to the other guys Fishlegs was still the nerdiest Viking ever.

"Who care about that, look!" someone else said. Snotlout turned to the left and saw Tuffnut and Ruffnut coming from the other direction. Ruffnut was wearing her tunic and skirt but not much else. Tuff had on his pants and boots, so between the two of them there was a complete outfit.

"Aw son," one of the guys said, and let out a low whistle. "Now there's a sight to start the day."

"Aw Hel, don't let the nerd see her. He'll probably jizz his pants."

The guys snickered, and Snotlout sighed and went to head Fishlegs off. With his luck, Legs really would jizz his pants, and there was no way Snotlout would be able to save face after that.

"Hey Legs --" he said as he got close.

"Oh hey, Snotlout! Have you seen Ruffnut? I have her pants." Snotlout blinked at that, but Fighlegs just looked over his shoulder and said, "Oh, there she is!"

"Whoa, wait, wait," Snotlout said, waving his hands. "Why do you have Ruff's pants?"

Fishlegs looked at the fabric he was clutching. "I found them last night."

"You found them?"

"Yeah, in the Hall. I think she lost them. She was pretty drunk. I have Tuffnut's shirt too!" Fishlegs pulled another piece of fabric off his shoulder and held it out for Snotlout to see.

Snotlout looked at the clothes, glanced back over his shoulder at the other guys, and, quite remarkably, had an idea. He snatched the shirt out of Fishleg's grasp. "Forget the shirt. I'll give it to Tuff later. Just go give Ruff her pants back. And look, don't mention where you found them or anything, just give them to her."

"Well, okay," Fishlegs said hesitantly, then, "Why?"

"Just trust me all this, all right?"

"I guess so."

"All right." Snotlout looked back to watch the twins' approach. "Okay, now wait for it, wait for it...go!" He shoved Fishlegs into the fray.

Meanwhile, the guys sitting against the wall had started catcalling as soon as Ruff got close enough.

"Hey baby!"

"Have mercy!"

"I'd hit that!"

Ruffnut rolled her eyes and Tuffnut growled, "Hey, you assholes watch who you're talking to."

"What're you gonna do about it, numbnuts?"

Tuffnut opened his mouth to reply, but just then Fishlegs stumbled up, coming to stop right in front of Ruffnut.

"Hey Ruff," he said awkwardly, then held out his hands. "I, uh, I have your pants."

She smiled. "Aw, nice, I was looking for those." She took the pants from Fishlegs, then laid a hand on his arm for balance as she slipped first one, then the other leg into them. The guys were watching, mouths agape, too distracted to notice Snotlout quietly taking his place next to them. "Thanks," she said as she finished pulling them up, and patted Fishlegs on the back. "I owe you one big guy. Come on Tuff, let's get home."

Tuffnut shot one last glare at the other boys and trotted after his sister. "My pleasure," Fishlegs said, giving Ruffnut a little wave as she walked away. That done, he looked around and seemed to notice the other boys for the first time.

"Uh, hello," he said as they stared at him, still slack-jawed.

One of them quickly shook his head. "Hey Legs, we were thinking about going down to the dock later. Wanna come?"

Fishlegs beamed. "Really? I mean, sure!"

The other boys chattered excitedly, and Snotlout crossed his arms behind his head, thinking that sometimes, he was pretty awesome.


	3. Confrontations

He saw her hair first, swinging gently as she walked through the town square, and immediately a wide grin spread across his face. "Astrid!"

She turned around as he hurried over to her. "Hey Hiccup," she said with a smile.

He stopped in front of her and swung his arms uselessly. "So, uh...how-how're you feeling?"

Astrid frowned a bit and rubbed her forehead. "Better. I just had to get out of the house though. My parents..." She trailed off and rolled her eyes, and Hiccup pressed his lips together and elected not to say anything.

A couple of kids ran by. Astrid watched them, then took Hiccup's arm and gently guided him down a relatively isolated side street.

"I'm sorry about last night," she said when they had put some distance between them and the other villagers.

"Oh. Um, what part are you sorry about exactly?"

"Well, that was really kind of a blanket apology, just in case, because I seem to be missing some things." She pushed her bangs back, then clasped her hands in front of her in a way that he knew meant she was nervous and wanted to talk. "And you had to bring me home, so there's that."

He shrugged. "Eh, that was no big deal. I didn't mind."

She looked at him thoughtfully. "How did you get me home anyway?"

"I got the tanner to help."

"Ah." She suddenly stopped and turned to face him. "Okay, so I don't remember anything past whenever...well, whatever point I stopped dancing. So I don't really remember the end of the night, but my mom..." She took a deep breath, and blurted out, "Did something happen last night?"

Hiccup felt the heat spread across his face. "Something like, like - w-what would've happened?" Because although he had spent quite a long time thinking about exactly what had happened, actually talking about it was uncharted territory, and for some reason the thought of an angry Astrid intimidated him less than an embarrassed one.

Astrid was studying his face intensely, her eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Well -"

Just then Ruffnut burst out of a nearby building, stopping right next to Hiccup and Astrid, blinking in the sunlight, and said, "Hey guys!" She was for some reason barefoot. Hiccup wasn't sure whether he was irritated at the intrusion or grateful for the interruption.

"Hey Ruff," Astrid said slowly. "Why were you in the smokehouse?"

"Clothes hunting." She held up her vest, then slipped it on. "What're you two up to?"

"We were just talking about last night," Astrid said.

Ruffnut looking from Astrid's perturbed expression to Hiccup's rising blush, and suddenly her eyes got wide. "Oh shit, you remember that?"

Hiccup looked at her in a panic, because that was most definitely not what they had been about to talk about, but it was too late. "Remember what?" Astrid said, her voice low and dangerous.

"Oh, you don't remember it? Then nothing, never mind. Right Hiccup?"

Hiccup let out a high-pitched groan and rolled his eyes heavenward, because now he was most definitely implicated. "I-I don't know what you're talking about," he tried, without much hope.

"Okay," Astrid growled, "one of you had better tell me what's going on right now."

Ruffnut and Hiccup looked at Astrid, then each other. "Oh look!" Ruffnut said, then grabbed a fishing net that was hanging on a nearby building and threw it at Astrid.

Astrid cried out and hit the ground under the unexpected weight. "Run Hiccup!" Ruffnut yelled, shoving him as she took off.

"Gods!" He wheeled around the best he could and took off. Behind him he heard Astrid make a wordless sound of rage. "You know this is only going to make her angrier."

"Yeah, well. It's too late, we already started. And you know what she's going to do if we stop." They both glanced back and saw Astrid struggling to untangle herself from the net. "So just run faster."

"Metal! Leg!" Hiccup gasped.

"Oh, right. I forgot." Ruffnut glanced behind them. "Well, good luck with that."

Hiccup groaned and pressed onward.

* * *

"I really hate you," Hiccup called out.

"Good, keep talking like that! It'll throw her off the scent!"

"What scent?" Astrid demanded, and Hiccup flinched as the axehead dug just a little deeper into the tree bark near his neck. With Ruffnut occasionally throwing obstacles in her path, they had managed to say ahead of Astrid until they hit the treeline. Of course, now Astrid looked angry enough to actually kill him, and his stump felt like someone had beaten it with a bag of rocks (which he hadn't noticed when the adrenaline was pumping through him but was becoming more painfully aware of every second), so he probably could've done without this particular introduction to Ruff's skills.

Speaking of which... "How'd you get up there so fast anyway?" he called.

Ruffnut poked her head out of the foliage above his head. "I don't even know. I think it must have been a defense mechanism, because I don't remember doing it."

"Would you two give it a rest?" Astrid said, and where had she even gotten an axe? She hadn't had one when he saw her in the square...oh, that's right, Ruffnut had led them through the smithy. She had managed to get Astrid tangled in an armor stand, but right about now Hiccup was thinking the delay hadn't been worth the trade-off.

Ruffnut fell silent. For about two seconds. Then she said, "Hey, my boot! Oh wow, how'd it get up here? This isn't even the same tree, is it? Wait a minute, I thought I lost my pants in the Great Hall. So why did I still have my boots up here? Hey, do you guys see another boot down there?"

"Why don't you come down here and look?" Astrid said.

"Hah, no. I want to live a while longer, thanks."

"You're coming down here one way or another."

"And how're you going to make me?"

"I have an axe!"

"...you're going lumberjack on me now?"

"SHUT. UP." Astrid turned her attention to Hiccup. "_What_ is going on?"

"Okay, okay! It's just that last night, a little before we left, you were dancing, and Ruffnut ran into me, and she was really drunk. So we got to talking, and did I mention she was really drunk? And I don't know what happened, but she sat in my lap."

"She sat in your lap?" Astrid asked.

"I was totally humping him!"

"Not helping!" Hiccup was glaring upwards, but quickly redirected his attention to Astrid. "Okay she kinda was, but I swear I didn't mean for it to happen. And s-she was drunk. Like I said. So..."

"Oh gods," Astrid said, doubling over and dropping the axehead to the ground.

"Um..."

"Do you have any idea how many people Ruff molests when she's drunk?" Astrid looked up at Hiccup, her eyes burning. She still looked angry, but less like she was going to kill him, so he relaxed just a fraction. "That's like her thing! You're not all that special!"

"Yeah, sorry Hiccup, it wasn't personal. I'm just really easy sometimes."

Astrid lifted the axe and pointed it at Ruffnut. "I'm still kicking your ass!"

"What, why?"

"On principle!"

"You have principles?"

Astrid glared, and Ruffnut quietly disappeared back into the foliage.

"For the love of..." Astrid turned and walked away, muttering under her breath and swinging the axe haphazardly. Hiccup watched her go, still panting a bit from a combination of exhaustion and fear, and then carefully pushed himself away from the tree. He took one step before the shooting pain reasserted itself, and for just an instant he debated the merits of laying down and not moving ever again. But his girlfriend was upset, and somehow or other it was his fault, so he squared his shoulders and hobbled forward.

When he eventually caught up to her, Astrid rolled her eyes and dropped to the ground. He gratefully sat near her, but not so close she could get her hands around his neck if he did something stupid again.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"You didn't do anything," she said, her voice flat. "It's not your fault Ruff's a slut when she drinks."

"Then I'm sorry you're upset." Her lips thinned, but she didn't try to deny it. Daringly, he slid a little closer. "What's wrong?"

Astrid pursed her lips and idly pulled at the grass at her feet. "My mom said she met you at the door last night."

"Yeah."

"She said...she said something must have happened last night, between us, because when you came to my house, you were...frustrated."

"Fr...oh gods." Hiccup covered his eyes with one hand. "She could tell?"

"Believe me, if it's embarrassing, my mom will zero in on it."

"That's handy information to have." Hiccup dropped his hand and let out a deep breath. "Well, she was right."

"Yeah," Astrid said bitterly, "Ruff can have that effect on people."

"Wh-Ruff? Oh, oh no, no no no no no no," Hiccup said, waving his hands. "I mean, that was a thing that, that happened, but it wasn't the thing that got me all...you know."

She looked up at him. "Something else happened?"

"Well, yeah."

"With who?"

"You."

Astrid's eyes widened. "Oh." She waited for a moment, then said, "...well, what happened?"

"Um..." Hiccup rubbed the back of his neck and tried to figure out exactly what to say.

"Oh, come on." Astrid didn't look angry anymore, she looked curious and maybe even a little amused. "You just told me Ruff humped you. You can spit it out."

"Technically, Ruffnut told you she humped me."

"We're talking about humping. What could possibly be taboo at this point?"

"Heh, yeah, okay." Hiccup blew out a nervous breath. "Well, after you kinda threw Ruff out of my lap, you sat down."

"In your lap?"

"Yeah."

"Well, go on." Astrid definitely looked amused now.

Hiccup focused on a mountain peak off into the distance, trying to keep cool. "And...you were just pressed up against me, and you were kinda rubbing, and you kept whispering things in my ear..."

"What kind of things?"

"You, um. You said you wanted to...do the horizontal tango."

Astrid started laughing uproariously. "That's what you call it?" she gasped, and laughed some more.

"Hey!" Hiccup crossed his arms. "You started with the dance euphemism. I'm just going with it."

Astrid covered her mouth with her hands and fell backwards, still giggling. "Oh wow. So I climbed on top of you, left you all frustrated, and fell asleep without doing anything about it? We haven't even made it to the bedroom yet and I'm already the worst lover ever."

"Yeah well," Hiccup worked to maintain his calm expression, but internally he was almost giddy with relief, "we'll just have to try again sometime."

"Hmm." Astrid turned her head to look at him. "Next time I promise I won't be drunk." She looked utterly relaxed and carefree, the spare tendrils of hair not held back by the headband framing her face, and Hiccup felt something in his throat tighten. Not below his waist though, because he was never getting _frustrated_ anywhere Mrs. Hofferson could possibly see him ever again.

Astrid lifted her arms. "Help me up."

He struggled to his feet, wincing, and carefully balanced on his good leg. He went to reach for Astrid but found her already on her feet, studying his face then glancing down at his leg.

"Okay, seriously," she asked, "what made you think running away was a good idea?"

"Believe me, there was no thought involved there." He shifted and winced again, and Astrid slipped her arm underneath his.

"Come on," she said gently, "let's get you home."

* * *

Ruffnut carefully dropped from the lowest branch on the tree, her boot back in place on her foot. "Well," she muttered, glancing down, "that's all but one of you."

Just then her other boot came flying in a gentle arc towards her head. She snagged in out of the air and bent to put it on. "Aw, sweet!"

"Glad to help," Astrid said dryly, stepping out from the brush. "Finally come out of hiding?"

Ruffnut sighed and stood up. "Figured I should take my punishment like a woman." Astrid raised her eyebrow. "Okay, that and I'm hungry. So let's make this quick, please."

"Gladly." Astrid cracked her knuckles and stepped closer. Ruffnut rolled her eyes and braced herself.

* * *

"Whoa, Ruff, what happened to you?"

Hiccup looked up and saw Ruffnut standing at the end of the table with a fresh black eye and a bloody scrape on her cheek.

"Astrid," she said, and sat next to her brother.

"What were you two fighting about this time?" Snotlout asked.

"Principles. Pass the meat."

Hiccup grew concerned. "So wait, she wasn't joking earlier? She was serious?"

"Always," Ruff said, filling her plate. "I gotta warn you, that girl's a total dom. When you finally do get in her bed, she's totally going to break out the whips and chains."

Both Hiccup's and Snotlout's jaws dropped. "Um..." Hiccup started to say, but just then Astrid sat down next to him.

"Hey guys," she said happily. In fact, she was positively glowing. "What's on the menu?" She turned and fixed smoldering eyes on Hiccup.

Hiccup suddenly became very nervous. And not at all frustrated.


	4. Conclusion

Some time after the dance:

Astrid opened the door to Hiccup's house and was immediately enveloped by a rush of hot air. "By Thor, Hiccup," she said as she stepped inside. "Do you think it's hot enough?"

"Toothless likes the heat," Hiccup called from somewhere in the upper loft. Toothless certainly was looking blissfully content stretched out in front of a fire that was a step or two above blazing. Astrid scratched his head as she passed, and headed upstairs.

She swore again when she reached the loft. "It's like an oven up here!"

"Heat rises. Handy fact to know," Hiccup said. He had stripped himself down to just his leggings and was splayed out on the bed, his metal leg propped up on the ground next to him.

"Doesn't seem to have done you much good." Astrid walked over to the window and looked out at the night sky.

"Don't tease me Astrid, it's too hot to think up comebacks." Astrid smiled and opened the window. The icy winter air immediately rushed in, and Hiccup shuddered, then sighed in relief.

"Better?"

"Yeah, thanks." Hiccup's eyes were closed, and he had yet to move. "I should've done that, but that would have required getting up. And moving. And probably putting my leg back on. And I didn't feel like it."

Astrid smirked. "You wouldn't want to overwhelm yourself, after all."

"I'm only one man," Hiccup said. "I have my limitations." He finally opened his eyes and turned his head to smile at her.

Astrid peeled off her armor, boots, and leathers and stowed them on the corner. She took a seat on the floor near the head of his bed as Hiccup relaxed against the pillows. The prosthetic was leaning against the bed near her, and she idly picked it up and studied it, pushing against the foot to watch the spring compress. Curiously, she set it on the ground upright and pressed down, compressing the spring as far as she could, and let go. The leg shot a good foot in the air, and fell in its side with a clatter.

"What are you doing?" Hiccup asked, leaning up and looking over the edge of the bed at her.

Astrid quickly drew her hands into her lap. "Nothing."

"Don't break that, I need it."

"I'm not going to break it," she said huffily, and stood up so Hiccup couldn't see the red on the tips of her ears. He never outright laughed at her, but she could tell he wanted to sometimes. She walked back over the the window and closed it. "Cool enough?"

Hiccup was obviously trying very hard not to smirk. "Yeah, I'm good." He turned towards the edge of the loft. "Still all right down there buddy?"

"Gwar!"

Feeling somewhat more composed, Astrid took a seat next to Hiccup on the bed. "Your dad leave you home for the fishing trip?"

"Yeah." Hiccup sighed. "He said he wasn't about to take me out to sea before I've gotten my land legs, which I'm pretty sure was just an excuse."

"I'm sure it wasn't your fault the mast broke last time."

"Darn straight," Hiccup said, and Astrid laughed. "Your dad left too?"

"Yep. And my mom's on some kind of knitting spree, so I thought I'd come keep you company." She cocked her head to the side. "Okay with you?"

"Always." Hiccup smiled, then winced and dropped back down on the bed.

"Everything all right?" Astrid asked, her forehead creasing in concern.

"Yeah, it's just..." Hiccup made a vague motion towards his lower body. "My leg hurts."

Astrid looked at the empty space below his knee. "The one that doesn't exist?"

"Yeah."

"It doesn't exist."

"Thank you, Astrid. I had noticed that." Hiccup looked back up at the ceiling. "It still hurts sometimes."

"Bad phantom leg," Astrid said, soothingly running her hand over the stump. Hiccup made a happy 'mmm' sound and closed his eyes. Then quickly opened them again as Astrid began trailing her hand up his inner thigh.

"W-what are you doing?" he asked, pushing himself up on his elbows.

Astrid arched an eyebrow. "Do you really have to ask?" she said softly, her touch featherlight and still creeping upwards.

Hiccup swallowed. "I guess not. Um. No mead this time?"

Astrid smiled. "I did promise."

"Okay." Hiccup pushed himself up to lean against the headboard, and Astrid shifted so she was straddling his hips. "So..." She reached down and pulled her shirt over her head, tossing it to the side. Hiccup licked his lips and ran his hands carefully over the bare skin of her waist. Astrid tipped her head back, breathed in deeply, and slowly exhaled as he tentatively cupped her breasts. Her heart was racing, and at the feel of it he gave her a nervous, exhilarated smile. "Okay?"

She smiled, nodded. "Always." And with that she leaned over him.

* * *

"Hiccup, wake up."

"...mmmnnn..."

"I said wake up."

"Don't wanna."

Someone poked him, and Hiccup swatted in the general direction of the touch. He forced his eyes open to see Astrid staring down at him. Oh right. Astrid had spent the night. Which would be totally awesome when he woke up enough to process it. "Wha'sit?" he mumbled.

"I've been up forever, and I'm bored. And you looked like you were going to sleep the day away."

Hiccup yawned. "Well, whatdya want me to do about it?"

Astrid rolled her eyes. "Gee, I don't know Hiccup, what could we possibly do to entertain me, up here, in your bedroom, on your bed."

"Oh, right." Hiccup quickly pushed himself into a sitting position, because this was definitely worth waking up for. Although he noticed Astrid was dressed, which was no fun. "I'm up."

Astrid looked at his lap and arched an eyebrow. "So I see."

Hiccup blushed and pulled more of the blanket into his lap, although part of him realized it was slightly ludicrous at this point. "It's morning, it-it happens."

"Right," Astrid said with a smirk. "Well, right now I'm actually going to go get us some breakfast."

"You - what, like right now? Then why'd you wake me up?"

"I didn't want to just leave. What if you woke up while I was gone?"

Ooh, yeah, that would have been a bit of a blow. "Well, thanks," Hiccup mumbled.

Astrid nodded and stood up. "Hey, wait," Hiccup said, pushing the sheets to the side. "I'll come with you."

"Um, no," Astrid said, pushing him back down. "You're not leaving that bed right now."

Hiccup's eyes widened, then he grinned and reclined on the bed. "Well all right, if that's where you want me."

Astrid bit her lip, trying not to laugh. "Nice thought, but that's not exactly what I meant."

"What'd you mean?"

Now Astrid looked contrite. "I meant, I kind of have to go get breakfast and...your leg."

"My - what?" Hiccup quickly looked around and sure enough, the prosthetic was in none of its regular places. "Astrid, what did you do?"

"Okay, you remember I said I had been up a while? And I was bored? Well, I started playing 'Keep Away' with Toothless."

Hiccup raised his finger into the air, then dropped it back on the bed. "What."

Astrid smiled nervously. "He's winning!"

Hiccup rubbed a hand over his face. "Where is he now?"

"...I'm gonna go find him, and your leg, and get us breakfast. And then I'll come back and we'll take care of," she gestured towards Hiccup's lap, "that."

Hiccup sighed. "You'll find it?"

"Promise."

"Okay. I want eggs."

"You got it." She started towards the steps, waving as she went. "Be back soon!"

Hiccup watched her go, then shook his head, dropped back down on the bed, and smiled.


End file.
